Why I'm Still Team Jeremiah (and yes, I did read the books)

A comprehensive guide for all team Jere girlies going at it in the comment sections.

I know it's not that serious. But like the other millions of people on the internet I have opinions, and I'm here to share them.

Let's get a couple of the popular arguments out of the way:

• I don't care who started falling in love with Belly first.

  Their childhood is not of much interest to me because people grow up and change, and that's a good thing. Both brothers clearly cared about Belly throughout their whole lives. A best friends to lovers transition (more of a Jeremiah story) is very cute and romantic to me, but I don't think it's any more or less romantic than having a moment where you realize your feelings have grown over time (Conrad's story). Neither of these is bad, in my opinion, and therefore they cancel one another out when weighing whose love story to stan.
  

• Their family dynamics color how (and when) both boys interact with Belly.

  Yes, Jeremiah is insecure about his older brother always being perfect and getting whatever he wants. Does that potentially influence his behavior and perception of his relationship with Belly? Of course. He shoots off the firework when she's about to kiss Conrad in Season 1 because he's feeling some sort of way about it. At the party in Season 2, he jabs at Conrad for being a bad boyfriend to Belly for similar reasons. In the pre-spring break fight in Season 3, Jere brings up being a second choice to Conrad as a reason he feels inferior. These aren't the healthiest ways to deal with his feelings about his brother, but they're understandable. Having insecurity doesn't automatically make you a toxic person.

  Conrad has his own share of weird brother-fueled behaviors too. In S1, wasn't it Conrad who texted Belly to talk only after he could sense something might be going on between her and Jeremiah? Originally, he thought the deb ball wasn't Belly's 'thing,' but it's seeing her at the ball with Jeremiah that solidifies his feelings for her. Overall, Conrad doesn't see Jeremiah as a serious person, capable of a real love for Belly. This is shaped by the pressure he feels to be the perfect son, while in contrast (from his perspective), Jeremiah is free to do whatever he wants. So he dismisses the relationship between Jere and Belly for most of S1 and S2 because Jere is his little brother, who he views as immature and carefree. We can see the difference in the way he behaves about Cam Cameron — showing up at her date, teasing her — versus how he responds to Jeremiah — with a 'he'll get over it' mindset.

  To me, all of these are very realistic sibling dynamics. I can't hold one responsible for these dynamics without holding the other equally responsible.
  

• Taking space is not a villainous act.

  Jeremiah clearly (and fairly) is mad at Belly when she turns around on him the morning after the deb ball, which is also the morning after he found out his mother's cancer was back, in case you forgot. He doesn't want to talk to her for several months, and although he's normal at Thanksgiving, he asks Conrad privately for more space from their relationship after he realizes how difficult it is to see them together.
  

  Similarly, Conrad takes space from Belly after she gets together with Jeremiah at the end of S2. It's clear from where we are in S3 that they have not seen Conrad much in the four years that elapsed since that time. He, too, has a difficult time being around them happy. All of this is reasonable, and it doesn't make either of them bad people for wanting their distance from a situation that is obviously uncomfortable.
  

 As we dig into why I do land in Camp Jellyfish, I want to be extremely clear about this:

I don't think either brother is written to be a bad person.

I have empathy for both characters — both grew up with a toxic family dynamic and lost their mother far too young. The way they behave in relationships is directly tied to the hardships they've experienced, and it doesn't mean they're stuck in those less-than-ideal behaviors forever. We can root for both of them to be happy and find a healthy relationship, even while acknowledging which of them we'd personally rather see Belly with.

So how do we make that determination, then? We have to consider which brother is a better partner (based on real action we see in the books and show, not in our idealized versions of them), and which relationship exhibits healthier behaviors.

Being a good partner is about a lot of things, but here are some of the most important:

• Communication

• Conflict resolution and repair

• Supporting one another's goals and growth

• Having fun together

Communicating About Their Feelings

The number one item — communication — is where I see some of the biggest differences between Jeremiah and Conrad. Conrad keeps his feelings for Belly secret, barely admitting them to himself, for nearly all of S1. In fact, as part of this rejection of his feelings, he pushes Belly away, saying mean things to her and patronizing things that are bringing her happiness, like doing the deb ball and going out with Cam. This is a defense mechanism and the opposite of good communication. He refuses to be vulnerable and honest, even after they nearly kiss, claiming that he doesn't remember that moment. When Belly tries repeatedly to have real conversations with Conrad, he deflects with biting humor, giving Belly every reason to assume he does not care about or respect her.

On the flip side, when Jeremiah starts to notice feelings for Belly, his behavior towards her does not drastically change. He still behaves as her best friend would, giving her compliments and enjoying their time together. When she breaks up with Cam, and the opportunity arises, he immediately tells her that he's been wanting more than friendship with her. He is direct, but he isn't trying to guilt her into caring about him. He's coming into the conversation with an offer, not an expectation. And even when she needs more time to consider this change in dynamic, he doesn't get angry or switch into a defensive posture. He waits for her to make her own determination.

This dynamic continues throughout their relationships, indicated ever so clearly by the fact that Conrad does not ever tell Belly that he loves her, while Jeremiah says it all the time.

Conrad likes to try to hold everything in and handle all his problems alone, which is a strategy that the show has demonstrated over and over again does not work for him. In S1, he hid that he knew about Susannah's cancer, and in S2, he goes to Cousins to try to save the beach house all by himself. While he slowly starts to open up about having panic attacks, we see him having one alone at the end of S2 again, not allowing two of the people closest to him to know he's suffering. His hyper-independence affects his relationships with both Belly and Jeremiah, and so far, we haven't seen him learn to ask for help.

But the most damaging communication habit Conrad exhibits is walking back his feelings. While Conrad does at times share that he cares about Belly and wants to be with her, he is incapable of sitting with the discomfort of not immediately being validated. If he's given the slightest hint that his feelings might not be returned and he might not be chosen, he turns around the next day and says that he 'didn't mean' what he said. That yo-yo of emotions makes all his future communication highly suspect and untrustworthy. Even if he can improve on being vulnerable, he has created a dynamic that makes his words unreliable. That's an extremely difficult bridge to rebuild.

Conflict and Repair

No one is a perfect communicator all the time. Both Jeremiah and Conrad exhibit pretty normal communication weaknesses in their break ups with Belly. I'd argue their inability in those moments to express what they're actually feeling is the primary reason for both break ups.

At prom, Conrad can't communicate his feelings about his mother's illness or his fear that he can't be a good boyfriend to Belly. I don't blame Conrad for his feelings. He was going through far too much — and if being a carefree teenager for a night wasn't feasible, I completely get it. But because he can't come out and say this directly, Belly is left feeling like he doesn't want to be there simply because he thinks prom is stupid. This interpretation is a consequence of Conrad's own making because he has consistently made fun of these sorts of events, even knowing that Belly enjoys them. It's not a huge leap for Belly to think that Conrad might just not want to be with her. And that's what she assumes. And after they split, he doesn't attempt to talk to her or explain that none of his negative feelings had to do with her. He simply retreats.

Before spring break, Jeremiah is also in his own head. While he does communicate a dynamic that bothers him — Belly being judgmental about his frat and his fear that she thinks Conrad is the better brother — it's obvious that there's more to this moment. He's letting his insecurity drive the conversation, and he's jumping to conclusions instead of approaching Belly with an ask for reassurance. This leaves Belly confused as well, but she does have some hints about why Jere might be upset. In talking to Taylor, it's clear that she does not interpret this fight as Jeremiah no longer loving her. If anything, he's expressing that he's feeling hurt by her and worried that she doesn't love him.

But what about Cabo? I know you're thinking it. I have a couple of important points to make here:

• No, I don't count what happened in Cabo as cheating.

• Yes, I do think rebounding that quickly was very hurtful, no matter whether he liked Lacie or not.

• And yes, he absolutely should have told Belly as soon as they talked.

But what's interesting here to me is that Jeremiah did come back from Cabo with the intention of talking to Belly and telling her about this mistake. He showed up, prepared to be honest and vulnerable (again), knowing that she would be furious at him. This is very different than how Conrad responded after Prom, fully ghosting and not making any attempt at repair.

I won't excuse Jeremiah keeping this secret from her. But there's no reason to think his behavior was malicious or planned. From his retelling of the hookup, it is also made clear that he did not have an emotional connection to Lacie. And as soon as it was out in the open, I personally found Jeremiah's reaction very mature, especially for a 22 year-old boy.

• He took accountability. He didn't get defensive and try to make this about something Belly did or didn't do. He expressed very clearly that he understood how deeply he had hurt her. And he showed real remorse for his behavior and a genuine desire to make it up to her.

• Even though he was also dealing with other things in that moment (feeling shame for having to take another semester of college and being berated and belittled by his father), he did not let that shame spiral him into bad behavior. He stayed remarkably calm and collected and focused on what Belly needed.

• After that, he shows up for Belly at the hospital in a respectful way. He keeps his distance and doesn't approach her, even though Steven is also one of his best friends. He makes sure that she knows she can still rely on him, despite his mistake. He's already starting to show her how he plans to repair their relationship, if she'll let him.

• Belly forgives him. At the end of the day, we see Belly appreciate these repair attempts from Jere. They have built up years of trust at this point. Remember, they've known each other and been best friends their whole lives. And now, they've been dating for four years on top of that. If I were in Belly's shoes, maybe I'd have been a little more cautious and made Jere work a little harder for forgiveness. But being totally honest? I've forgiven far worse in my day, and I bet you have too.

• Unfortunately, a lot of us cheat. Not an excuse, just a reminder. All of the characters in this show have cheated in one form or another, and they've all kept secrets, too. To me, this incident is a situation that a lot of relationships face. And it's not just about the incident itself that shows whether a relationship is good. It's about how you handle it afterward. As detailed above, Jere did a pretty good job there.

Over the course of the show, we see Jere being more direct and open with Belly than Conrad has been, and at a higher frequency. And most importantly, he is always honest with her about how he feels about her. He doesn't hide how much he loves her and how much she means to him out of a fear of being hurt. He doesn't take back nice things he's said when he's angry or feeling trapped.

And on top of that, Jeremiah pushes open communication between Belly and Conrad, especially at the end of S2. He tells Conrad that Belly deserves to know how he feels about her so she can make a real decision between the two of them, which is a completely fair request, both for his sake AND for Belly's. If Conrad had been honest in that moment, the story would have headed into an entirely different direction.

One common misunderstanding about communication is that Jeremiah's more emotional outbursts (like with the flat tire in S2) mean he's being manipulative. But having a heated argument or expressing pent up emotions is not necessarily a sign of manipulation or toxic behavior. Abuse can include yelling, but it can also be very cold and stoic. Some of the most hurtful things said in the show are delivered in a very measured tone. It doesn't make them less mean.

Unlike a lot of online commenters, I don't think either boy's behavior fully rises to the level of abuse. But comparing the ways these two boys fight with Belly, the viciousness of Conrad's commentary cuts far deeper and takes longer to repair. Whereas the flat tire fight with Jere is resolved within the same conversation. Belly apologizes (which she should have done, btw) and shows him that she understood where he was coming from. That's not mothering him, like some people have claimed. That's being a reasonable person and admitting when we've done something that hurt someone else.

Supporting One Another's Growth and Goals

Conrad fans latched on hard to Steven's comment in S2 claiming that Conrad challenges Belly while Jere is an easy love. I found that commentary strange at the time, and it's evidence to me that Jenny Han herself has over-romanticized ideas about emotionally unavailable men.

I don't think we see Conrad challenging Belly in any kind of useful way. The primary way we are shown of Conrad challenging her (and what many people see as romantic) is by pulling away from her and forcing her to take up the chase.

I don't disagree that a relationship is at its best when both partners expand the other's worldview and offer gentle challenges that lead to emotional or intellectual growth. But that sort of 'challenge' doesn't have to feel adversarial. Oftentimes, that kind of growth actually comes from encouragement and support for your partner to pursue new things on their own — like Jeremiah helping push Belly to go back to volleyball camp in S2 and unequivocally supporting Belly going to Paris for her study abroad in S3. I even think we see an example of this when Conrad supports Belly with tutoring, although it did start out as an excuse for them to talk.

I'm also a firm believer that great relationships full of strong, passionate love can feel safe. They can even feel easy! But nothing is going to feel easy every single moment of every day. There's nothing in the show or books to indicate that Jeremiah doesn't love Belly with his whole heart. And I would argue that Belly being in a relationship with Jeremiah is ripe with opportunities to challenge her worldview, if she chose to.

She, like the fandom, has to process what it means to have some lingering feelings for a first love (Conrad) coexisting in her heart with her feelings for her second love (Jere). She has to consider what her healthy boundaries are (how much time is too much to spend with your boyfriend, versus your friends?). She might ask herself what exactly about Jeremiah's friends and fraternity she doesn't like, and whether there are legitimate concerns she can voice or if there are personal biases at play. She could consider whether education and intellect are more important than enjoying life and being kind. What are the benefits, Belly, of being spontaneous and carefree versus being thoughtful and meticulous?

One of the difficult things about this series is that we don't actually know that much about Belly. It can be hard, therefore, to determine which worldview she holds as a default. Is she more like Conrad or more like Jeremiah in her interests and personality? One could argue that Conrad challenges her to grow intellectually by nature of his being a very dedicated student. Or, we could make the point that Belly is challenged by Jeremiah to care less about what other people think and to be more outgoing and carefree. But it's unclear if Belly is already invested in her education, or already outgoing, and those just happens to be things they can connect on. With the source material we're given, it's impossible to be sure.

Having Fun Together

There's no doubt about it. Jeremiah and Belly have more fun together. And I'm not going to claim that this is the most important factor in the success of a relationship, but I do think it's a vastly underrated one. Conrad and Belly have 'fun' in much more serious ways. While we have flashbacks of them being goofier together as kids, in the current timeline, those moments are few and far between.

The most fun moment we see with Conrad and Belly is probably when they win the charity volleyball tournament together. But that is more about their matching competitive nature, not so much about having a good time. In S2, we see this dynamic again at the boardwalk. (It's almost like Conrad and Belly can't admit their true feelings, so they use competitiveness as a safe outlet...)

From the very beginning of the show, Belly has more fun with Jeremiah. They have an easy-going dynamic where they can be more authentic and more goofy together. He makes her laugh all the time, gets her singing and dancing, and isn't afraid to put their relationship on display. And Belly starts to match that energy and pull him into silliness when he needs it, like in S2 when she pushes him into the pool because he was getting too deep in thought.

I've been hearing the term 'cringe' thrown around a lot lately for Jere, and I can't help but feel sad for those viewers. It's a bummer that anyone would be so concerned about looking stupid to a few people that they would avoid having fun with someone they love. Being able to be playful and shut down your adult-brain for a minute is actually really good for you and your relationships. Everything doesn't have to be super serious all the time. Trust me, life will be serious enough without your help.

Okay, take a deep breath.

If you've read this far, I think you deserve a cookie. Let's be honest. The conversation online about these two boys is ridiculous. I'm exhausted with the number of people who can't hold the nuance that this show offers and accept that there are traits about both brothers that other people might find appealing. Whether you personally like Conrad OR Jeremiah and feel you can connect to them, that makes sense. That's what the show is designed to do! We can watch characters who are meant to be good people make bad decisions and hurt other people -- that's literally what makes a story interesting.

I do feel that the show is repeating a very common trope that I personally don't like much: romanticizing the person who pulls away from a relationship due to inner turmoil without being open about the reason or giving their love interest a chance to understand. But I'll be the first to admit that I have, in the past, found that dynamic captivating. It's a lot of people's fantasy, isn't it? To be so deeply understood that their love would just know (cue: I thought you KNEW), even when you were broken down and unable to say what you needed to say.

And I'm not going to call those people immature for wanting to see that story in media. I can enjoy plenty of things on screen and in books that I wouldn't want for myself in real life, or that I know are not realistic. And you know, maybe that kind of love does happen for some people. Maybe when it does, it's great.

But for me, I'll take a love like Jeremiah's. Something that makes me feel important to someone, that makes me feel seen and deeply loved, even when we're dealing with unbearable sadness or navigating shame and insecurity and the mistakes that come out of those hard feelings.

Want more analysis? I've shared more on my TikTok about some of these specific dynamics. Check it out, and let me know what you think. (Hostile comments will be ignored or deleted.)